SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that has left financial analysts questioning the nature of reality itself, artificial intelligence company Anthropic announced this week that it has "not made any decisions about when, or even whether, to go public" — while simultaneously hiring IPO lawyers, courting a $300 billion valuation, and building $50 billion worth of data centers with money it does not technically have.

The statement, which representatives delivered with presumably straight faces, came as reports emerged that the company has engaged Wilson Sonsini Goodrich & Rosati to prepare for an initial public offering as early as 2026. Industry observers noted this is the corporate equivalent of standing at the altar in a wedding dress while insisting you "haven't decided if you're getting married."

"We're just browsing," said one source familiar with the matter, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were too embarrassed to be named. "Sure, we've tried on the ring, booked the venue, sent the invitations, and hired a priest, but we're still very much in the exploratory phase."

The preparations position Anthropic to reach public markets ahead of rival OpenAI, in what experts are calling "a race to see who can lose retail investor money first." Both companies are valued at levels typically reserved for the GDP of mid-sized nations — a combined $800 billion, or roughly the entire economic output of Switzerland — for products whose primary function is confidently wrong homework help and making emails sound more professional.

Central to Anthropic's pitch is CEO Dario Amodei's claim that revenue "could rise to $26 billion next year." Financial analysts noted the impressive load-bearing capacity of the word "could" in that sentence. "I 'could' dunk on LeBron," said one skeptical investor. "My dog 'could' be the next CEO. This email 'could' be from a Nigerian prince. 'Could' is doing more work in that sentence than Claude does in a million customer service chats."

Perhaps most remarkable is Microsoft and Nvidia's joint commitment of $15 billion to Anthropic's funding round — while Anthropic has pledged to spend $30 billion on Microsoft's cloud platform over four years. "So let me get this straight," said forensic accountant Ellen Matsuki. "Microsoft gives them $15 billion, and they give Microsoft $30 billion back for servers? This isn't an investment, it's a subscription service with extra steps. Somewhere, a mob accountant is taking notes."

The company has also announced plans to triple its global workforce, a move framed as expansion rather than what mathematically amounts to tripling how fast it loses money. This hiring spree comes as AI companies across the industry eliminate hundreds of thousands of jobs in other sectors — meaning the only growth industry in AI is apparently working at an AI company. Everyone else is encouraged to "learn to code," at least until Claude learns to code better.

Internal preparations for an IPO are reportedly well underway. The company hired Krishna Rao, Airbnb's former head of corporate finance, as CFO last year — a choice observers called "perfect preparation," given Airbnb's decade-long expertise in "losing money while disrupting things."

Sources say the company has been "working through governance, accounting and disclosure checklists" — translated from corporate speak, this means Anthropic just realized it needs to act like a real company now. Somewhere, a 26-year-old engineer is reportedly asking "wait, we have to write things DOWN?" while a newly hired compliance officer drinks directly from a bottle of Tums.

Anthropic also proudly notes its customer base has expanded to over 300,000 businesses. Financial observers pointed out that having 300,000 customers while hemorrhaging money means each customer is essentially a tiny money fire. "They're losing money per customer but making it up in volume," explained economist Dr. Patricia Huang. "This business model was invented by a man who definitely owns a mattress store that's always going out of business."

The $50 billion data center build-out announced recently in Texas and New York has also raised eyebrows. "This is like a person with maxed credit cards announcing plans to build a second house," said financial advisor Tom Reynolds. "But in their defense, it's going to be a really nice house full of GPUs that will definitely probably maybe generate profit eventually."

When asked for comment on whether the company's trajectory was sustainable, the Anthropic spokesperson reiterated: "We have not made any decisions about when, or even whether, to go public." They then excused themselves to attend a meeting with three investment banks, five lawyers, and a shaman.